Bata Mbili
“When did you get back?”
It’s an innocent question I’ve been asked several times by different people who I haven’t seen in a while. Those who ask it seem to remember reading something somewhere about me going to someplace in Africa for some period of time, but they don’t really know the details. Since they know it’s been a while since I started talking about it (September of last year) and now they’re seeing me again, they just assume that I’ve already gone and am back again! I could easily make the same mistake.
I don’t blame people for not understanding. The life of a person trying to raise support in order to do mission work is almost as foreign to some as the place on the other side of the world where the mission work will be done. In my case, it’s even more confusing, because I’ve been working in the home office of my sending organization for the past 2+ years, and I never had to raise my own support before! I understand why people get confused, and I don’t blame them for that. But getting back to the initial question above, my standard answer has become, “I never left.” Sometimes that provokes follow-up questions, other times it doesn’t. But, there’s another question I’ve been getting asked lately that is getting harder and harder to answer…
“How’s it going?”
Oh, that tricky little question. I’m never sure what kind of a response people are expecting. Because, if I were to be honest in my response, we’d be engaged in at least a 20 minute conversation! I don’t want to be dishonest, so I usually answer with something along the lines of, “I’m okay,” or, “It’s going,” or, “I’m hanging in there.” It gives just enough information to say that there’s more below the surface of my answer, but I’m not going to volunteer that unless you seem interested in hearing more by asking some follow-up questions.
There’s another answer I’ve been considering using, but I’m afraid it would just confuse people. The answer? “It’s a paradox.” (No, the answer itself isn’t a paradox, the answer IS “It’s a paradox.”) Let me explain…
Last month, I spent four weeks in Palmer Lake, CO at Mission Training International (MTI) taking their Compass course. Besides fundraising, this was the last major hurdle that I needed to complete before I would be cleared to depart for Kenya. It’s hard to put into words (at least briefly) what all we experienced at MTI. It was a mix of gathering tools that will aid us in learning a new language, and tackling some of the difficult situations we’ll face living in a new and different culture. Actually, I think the front cover of our 3″ thick binder says it best: “Navigating a new language and culture.”
On day one, we were introduced to two rubber duckies. Yes, you read that correctly. You can see them in the picture to the left, nestled between a few of their other friends (which are part of an entirely different story). The nice clean duck is the “yay duck.” The dirty duck is the “yuck duck.” Yay duck represents all of the good and positive feelings we feel as we prepare to live and work in a new culture, while yuck duck represents all of the bad and negative feelings. It’s possible to feel conflicted with both yay duck and yuck duck feelings at the same time. When that happens, you have a… wait for it… pair-a-ducks. (Get it?)
So, how’s it going for me, you ask? It’s a paradox. I’m so incredibly excited for the work I’ll be doing in Kenya, and I’m ready to get there and get started! I’m filled with hope for the hundreds of thousands of children that could potentially be impacted by the work I’ll be a part of! (Yay duck!) And, at the same exact time, I’m incredibly frustrated that I have to keep pushing my departure back because I’m not fully funded. And I’m incredibly stressed because I know how much they need me there, and with people already supporting me financially (and I’m SO EXTREMELY THANKFUL for ALL of you!), I feel a certain pressure to, ya know, actually get there soon! Granted, this is mostly stress/pressure I’m putting on myself, but it’s still stress nonetheless! (Yuck duck…) But I’m over 70% funded! (Yay duck!) But I still have almost 30% to go… (Yuck duck…) You get the idea.
There’s another concept that we learned during our time at MTI called the “transition bridge.”
This bridge is used as an analogy for the transition we are all experiencing as we move from the culture and lifestyle we know to a completely new and different culture and lifestyle. It may be hard to see in the picture above, but there are five stages of transition represented. The first stage, “settled,” represents our old “normal.” It’s what we know. It’s our comfort zone. The second stage, “unsettling,” represents shaking things up as we start to uproot and prepare to go someplace new. The third stage, “chaos,” is right smack in the middle when our lives are completely turned upside down and when things are at the worst. The fourth stage, “re-settling,” is when things are starting to calm down a bit as we begin to adjust to our new environment. The fifth and final stage, “new settled,” represents total adjustment to our new life. It’s the new normal.
Now, take a look at the words written on the posters for each stage. You don’t have to be able to read each word, just observe where they are written. Those words written above the center, or above the bridge, are the “yay duck” feelings. Those written below are the “yuck duck” feelings. These are real examples that were given by the people in class with me. Just look at how the yay and yuck duck feelings change as we progress across the bridge.
Any guesses where I might be on the transition bridge? I’m actually deep into unsettled territory and on the verge of entering chaos! Want some examples? In less than a year, I went from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment to just 1 bedroom in my parents’ house! The registration on my car expires at the end of April, and I have no intention of renewing it…effectively eliminating my ability to be independently mobile. As of today (March 31, 2015), my steady, part-time job in the CMF home office is ending, but I don’t yet know when I’ll be able to leave for Kenya and start my new job there!
It’s unsettling! It’s chaotic! …It’s exciting! It’s a PARADOX!
I’m in this weird place right now. It’s like I don’t feel like I belong where I am – like I’m out of sync with life. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere else, but I can’t quite get there. I’m so close, but so far away. It’s a paradox. I know what I’ve been called to do in Kenya, and I’m ready to get started. I know God will provide the resources for me to get there, but I still must go out and find them. It’s a paradox. I’m not very good at asking for help. I’d much rather be on the giving end than the receiving end. That’s why I’m going to Kenya to begin with! Acts 20:35 says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” But I must receive before I can give in the way I’ve been called to… It’s a paradox!
This is the part where I usually try to come to some conclusion that wraps everything up in a nice little package with a bow on top. And I really wish I had a nice, feel-good ending for ya, but that’s not my reality at the moment. The truth is, in the midst of unsettled chaos, as I continue to work as hard as I can to get to Kenya as fast as I can, I’m afraid all I have to offer are two ducks… Or, in Swahili, bata mbili!
So, how’s it going with you?
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